One Day

Six years ago, you had one day with her. That's so unfair.

As magical as newborns are and as much as I envy you those precious hours, you couldn't possibly have imagined how incredible your daughter would become. She is sugar and spice, quick to take offense and eager to please. My dragon daughter. From the first picture I ever saw of her I sensed a brightness in her, a vividness. Everything she feels, she feels intensely. Every story she tells, she throws her whole self into portraying every aspect. I've often wondered if acting is in her future: she just seems like a natural.

I'll get to see that future, and unless a modern miracle of internet and DNA transpires, you won't. That's so unfair.

I don't know what combination of societal limitations, familial pressures, financial duress, and personal bias led you to want your daughter to be cared for by the state. I know from other parents of nevus owners that the initial reaction from uninformed doctors and medical staff can be devastating. One family's child was placed in NICU immediately and the parents were told the child probably wouldn't live out the week. She did, of course, and proved to be and continues to be happy and healthy. But it's so rare, you see. One in every 500,000 births and most doctors never see it in their whole practice. It can look so scary at first, but it isn't really, most of the time. Were you scared? Did a doctor tell you she wouldn't survive or that she would need medical care you couldn't pay for? Did you face the question that so many parents in your situation have had thrust on them: to take your child home to die or to surrender her to the state so that she can receive life-saving medical care? That's so unfair.

But medically necessary or not, she thrived, even in an institutional environment, and after bringing her home we have seen her burst into bloom. The calendar tells us that we have had her for two years, five months and seventeen days and every one of those days she has been a joy. (And often a trial as well: she has a strong will, your daughter.)

Thank you for including the note with her time of birth. I wonder, when that time came today, did you wince? Do you feel the loss of her like a limb? Do you have peace that you made the right decision for her? Did you move past the grief years ago, hopeless of ever seeing your child again? I wish I could face west and send you this message: your daughter is loved and cared for and accepted. She is yours, always yours, but also ours.

Ours forever.

We promise.

The Big News

So for a while this fall I wasn't blogging anything because our adoption had stalled due to a medical issue. And then that resolved and suddenly I wasn't blogging because things were happening so fast! 

So, here's our big news. 

We have been MATCHED!!! 

On Jan 29th, we got a call from our adoption agency. They had a file that they would like us to consider. It was a sixteen month old boy, with the same condition as our daughter, congenital giant nevus, otherwise healthy and with the cutest, fattest cheeks. We said yes. The boys are completely thrilled; Mei-Mei was sour for a bit that it wasn't a girl, but has since gotten fully on board Team Baby Brother and is full of plans. She has instructed me that when we go to China I should take M&Ms, in case baby brother cries while I'm giving him a bath, like she did. I love seeing her little heart soften. 

Right now we can't share pictures online so you will just have to take my word for it that he's completely adorable. We'll be able to share once we've signed our Letter of Agreement, which is a few steps down the road. Right now I'm busy working on our current step, the dossier (doss-ee-ay). We are hopeful that we will have all our dossier ducks lined up and notarized by the end of the month, after which we get them county sealed and state sealed. It's exactly as much fun as it sounds, but now we have the best motivation in the world: our little boy waiting for us! 

So. Many. Documents.

If you would like to be added to our adoption newsletter for more information about the process and how you can pray for us, email me at derkiheeATgmailDOTcom with "add me" in the subject line. 

If you would like to donate to our adoption (thank you SO much!) all of our links and information are here.  

We're Adopting Again!!!

Yay for siblings! If you are new to this site, these are our three kids, aged 5, 4, and 6, respectively.
We are excited to add a fourth! (Picture by Rachael Kulick.)

WHO: A boy or girl who is younger than our youngest (at the moment 4 and a half), born in China with the same special need as our daughter, Congenital Melanocytic Nevus. We feel very comfortable with this special need and have a good relationship with a wonderful pediatric dermatologist at Emory. And it's not just about comfort level and familiarity: objectively speaking, we will be considered a good match for a child with this special need, because of our experience, which (we hope) will lead to a fast(er) match.

WHAT: Um, this seems obvious. Unless you missed the title. ADOPTION! Yay!

WHEN: Not soon enough. The process will probably take at least a year from now until we are bringing our child home, maybe longer. There are two different paths with a Chinese adoption:

1) after a family has finished their paperwork they wait to be matched with a newly listed child whose file matches their openness. (This is not a mandatory match: the parents can pray over the file and consult with doctors if desired before making a decision.)

2) at any time during the paperwork process the family can ask to be matched with a child who is on the Waiting Child List. Children on the waiting list are kids who were not matched with families when they were first listed with the adoption agency, either because they have special needs that no families were specifically open to, or because they are older (four years old is considered "old!"), or because they are a boy and the families at that time specifically requested a girl. (Side note: There are SO MANY boys in China who need families!)

It is my personal hope that we would be able to race through our paperwork (ha, ha ...) and as soon as we are done, the child that we are meant to adopt would be newly listed with our agency and we would be matched to them. This hopeful scenario would mean the shortest wait time for everyone. When we were adopting Mei-Mei, we saw her picture on the Waiting Child List, asked to be matched with her, and then we had a year's worth of paperwork and waiting before we could go get her. This time around, if we get all our paperwork done first, then our child has the shortest possible wait after they are listed, although the timing is about the same or a little longer for us. (Clear as mud? All of this is pretty confusing.)

WHERE: China. Our first experience with Bethany Christian Services' China team was stellar, and the Chinese language, culture and food are wound into our hearts and our family life.

WHY: Because children need families. Let me repeat that. Children. Need. Families. This is not about my husband and I wanting more kids. (Although, to be clear, we do!) This is not about a fun cultural experience. (Although we have been enriched by the addition of Chinese culture to our family!) This is about kids, growing up in foster care or an orphanage, never having anyone who is committed to them for forever. Sometimes never having anyone who will tell them: "You have value. You are loved."

That is why we are doing this big, crazy, time-consuming, expensive thing.

HOW MUCH: $31,000. *Gulp* Let me break this down a bit.

Agency fees (Home study, Adoption fees, Post-Placement Reports) $13,950

Foreign Country Program Expenses $2,810

Translation and Document Expenses $3,685

Program Development $1500

Immigration fees $985

Travel and Accommodation in China* $8,575

Total: $31,505

*This number is the most flexible, as it will be affected by the tourist season, strength of the US dollar, and the specific province in China that we are traveling to.

We will also be giving our child's orphanage a gift of either money or supplies, both as a culturally significant gesture of gratitude, and also to improve the lives of other children in the orphanage. In previous years this was a required part of the adoption fees, adding approximately $6000 to the cost of Chinese adoption. Praise God that the adoption officials in China have made it this much easier for children to be adopted!

HOW CAN YOU HELP: 

If you would like to know about our continued prayer needs and financial progress, sign up for our (probably monthly) newsletter by emailing me at derkihee@gmail.com with "Add Me" or something else self-explanatory in the subject line.

If you would like to contribute directly to Bethany, send a check made out to Bethany Christian Services with "Fenn Family Adoption" in the memo line to this address:

Bethany Christian Services
930 McCallie Avenue
Chattanooga TN 37403

If you would like to make a tax-deductible donation, send a check made out to Highlands with "Fenn Family Adoption" in the memo line to this address:

Highlands Presbyterian Church
1211 North Main Street
LaFayette GA 30728

If now is not a great time for you to contribute, but you'd like to at some point, keep an eye out for future updates! We will be doing a T-shirt fundraiser in a few months.

Thank you for walking with us on this journey! We're very excited to be on this path and excited that you want to travel with us on it!

(Picture by Rachael Kulick.)

Chinglish

A common question from friends, family and random strangers is, “Does she know English yet?” And the answer is, “Yes! Um, no. Well, sorta.” Also complicating the matter is the fact that Mei-Mei is almost entirely silent in public, a striking difference from the wild and screeching hellion that we know and love at home. It can be hard to explain the amount of English, Chinglish and Chinese that we have going on at home without a lengthy dissertation. So, here’s that (semi) lengthy dissertation.

Here are the words that Mei-Mei says by herself in English:

Mama*

Danny

Maisie

Pippin

Sophie

Mine

Hello

Bye-bye**

Please

Thank you

Sorry

No

Potty

All done

Water

Hungry

Gentle

Stop it 

Go

Shoes

Car***

Choo-choo***

Thomas [the Tank Engine]

Train [anyone picking up on a theme here?]

Carrier

Pew-pew

*Mama is the same in Chinese and English.

**Bye-bye is essentially the same in Chinese and English.

***Car means vehicle. Choo-choo means a toy car or a toy train.

A lot of adoptive families use Baby Sign in their first months at home, so that they can communicate effectively from the beginning. Since we learned some Chinese, we didn’t do Baby Sign, but there have been a couple of gestures that we’ve made up and are part of our family pidgin.

Moving the hand, palm side down, over a plate of food – all done

Pointing at an empty spot on the plate – I want more of what I just ate

A buckling motion at the waist – the Tula carrier

Using both hands to push inwards along Mama’s shoulders – I want to stay in the carrier

Maintaining eye contact and opening the mouth wide (optional sticking out of the tongue) - Snapchat

Before going to China, I did lessons 1-15 with the Pimsleur Mandarin course. I highly recommend Pimsleur for people who don’t have a lot of study time per se because it is all CDs. I borrowed them from the library and kept them in the car and learned Chinese while driving around town. We have also made COPIOUS use of Google Translate, which has been a lifesaver. (If you’re heading to China, though, remember that Google doesn’t work in China unless you have a VPN.) These are the words that ‘Stache and I  know in  Chinese and use regularly:

Baba – Daddy

Gege – Brother

Mei-mei – Sister

Wo (men) – I (we)

Ni (men) – You (y’all)

Ni hao – Hello

Bu – No/not

Shi – Is/am

Haishi – Or

Keshi - But 

Ma – word that ends a yes or no question

Yao – Want

Chu – Go

Guolai – Come here

Zheli* – Here  

Nali* – There

Zai nali* – Where is

Fenxiang – Share

Xiang – Would like

Shanghai – Hurt

Peng – Touch

Hui huilai – Will come back  

Mingbai – Understand

Chi – Eat

Hue – Drink

Shuijiao – Sleep

Chin chin – Kiss

Baozhe – Hold

Ai – Love

Xianzai – Now

Guo yihuier - After a while

Niao niao – Pee

Shema – What  

Yi dian* – Little

Hao – Good

Hen – Very  

 Piaoliang – Pretty

Yi, er, san, sz, wo – One, two, three, four, five   

Shui – Water

Cha – Tea

Kafei – Coffee

Tian – Sweet

Jige – This/that
Maozi – Hat 

Wawa – Doll 

*The Pimsleur course uses speakers with Beijing  accents so I learned to pronounce these  “djar,” “nar,” “tzai nar” and “eediar.” Also, any words that end in "shi" I pronounce more like "shir."

The ideal would probably be to say a sentence in Chinese and then repeat it in English: “Ni yao shuijiao ma? Do you want to go to sleep?” (Three guesses what the answer is and the first two don’t count.) In practice, we rarely do this. It’s oddly difficult to switch gears between languages. What isn’t hard at all (for reasons I don’t know) is to mix the two languages. “Ni yao yogurt haishi ni yao orange juice?” “Xianzai ni brush your teeth, then shuijiao.” (Any linguists out there who have insights into this phenomenon, feel free to chime in!)

It’s very clear that Mei-Mei is understanding more English than she speaks (or is just brilliant at deducing from tone and context, which is also possible). We’ll say things like “We only eat in the kitchen; come back in here” or “Do you want to be in the pack ‘n’ play or go play with your geges” and she’ll respond appropriately.

The plan (the hope) is for Mei-Mei to learn English, probably taking about a year to become fluent, and for me to hang on to my Chinese, learn more, and teach the boys once they start kindergarten. Whether Mei-Mei will lose her Chinese and then relearn it again in kindergarten or whether she’ll retain it, we don’t know. Generally three-year-olds don’t hang onto their Chinese by themselves, so either way it will take a bit of effort, but we think it’s worth it.   

I'm exhausted just thinkin' about it.

Edited to add: At the time of this post, Mei-Mei was 3 and a half years old and had been home exactly two months.

Mei-Mei Log, Week 4

Day 22 Thursday Munchkin, Twinkle, Mei-Mei and I went to the aquarium. It was very quiet except for one school group. Mei-Mei was very content on my back in the carrier. She continues to love escalators and leaned down to grab the railing as we were going up. On the way out, Munchkin had a melt-down because I would not hold him as well. Later that afternoon, ‘Stache was carrying Mei-Mei up the front steps and tripped and both of them fell flat, but neither suffered any permanent effects. At dinner, Mei-Mei was more interested in feeding her peas to Munchkin than eating them herself.

Day 23 Friday We visited a friend who has a young daughter the boys’ age. Mei-Mei was quiet and stony faced and stayed on my lap the whole time. After a while she started crying for Baba. She perked up when we went outside to the car. My friend has two large dogs and Mei-Mei was fascinated and jumpy around them. When I put her down, she wagged her rear end back and forth, imitating the dogs wagging their tails. At naptime she delayed going to sleep and then slept for an hour, until ‘Stache woke her up. She was very unhappy and being woken up and only wanted to cuddle for a while. At bedtime went to sleep at 9.

Day 24 Saturday We left the house at 9 and drove 2 hours to my parents’ house for their Christmas party. Mei-Mei sat on ‘Stache’s lap for about 2 hours, then started getting up and making short forays. She was calm and content as long as she could see ‘Stache or I but not especially animated or boisterous. At about 2, ‘Stache took the kids upstairs for naptime. Twinkle was the only one who slept but everyone rested. We left about 7:30. Mei-Mei was not very happy about getting in the car and being separated from ‘Stache and I, but she went to sleep after about 30 minutes.

Day 25 Sunday Fairly quiet day. ‘Stache left after dinner to watch a movie at a friend’s house. Mei-Mei cried a bit when he left but then acted normally. Went to bed with me without crying except for occasional you-won’t-let-me-get-out-of-bed stuff. Watched a video with me for about an hour. Then self-entertained for a while. Watched me cruise Craigslist. Snuggled with me but very restless, changing positions all the time. Eventually wound up hugging my arm and chewing my fingernails. Fell asleep about 11pm.

Day 26 Monday Went to the bookstore with the kids. Kept Mei-Mei in the carrier, but she kept grabbing at books. Went to Sam’s for lunch. Mei-Mei ate a soft pretzel and some of a Coke. The boys were fragile and fractious all day. Mei-Mei was restless, constantly wanting up down play with me talk to me do something else. I think part of the problem is that we were not able to have any outdoor time. Went to sleep easily at 8. Woke up at 11 puking. Threw up a couple times, and then went back to sleep.

Day 27 Tuesday No more throwing up. 

Thank you for reading the log of our first four weeks with Mei-Mei! As you can see, things are still not without challenges, but we have seen such improvement in bonding, eating and sleeping since we came home! 

Mei-Mei Log, Week 3

Day 15 Thursday

Day 16 Friday Mei-Mei and I did a craft together, dyeing fabric for Christmas presents. She has a very long attention span. We worked together for about 1 and a half hours. She was delighted each time we pressed the fabric down and then lifted it up to see the colors. Munchkin and I went to see the Nutcracker after dinner. He loved it. 

Day 17 Saturday

Day 18 Sunday After supper she was playing with notecards and tape and kid scissors. She tore a card into a square and held it over her eye. She wanted me to cut it into a circle, which I did. She took a large piece of tape and taped the circle over one eye. Then she did the same thing on the other eye. She was extremely pleased with herself and trotted off to show ‘Stache.

Day 19 Monday Rainy. I cut the boys’ hair. Attempted to trim Mei-Mei’s bangs. She stood still but I didn’t do a great job of it. All of her hair swirls from one point. There isn’t a natural part. She had a sweet time with our cat: hugging, petting, forehead bonking. Kissed the cat and thought it great fun. Stayed up until 10 pm. She won’t kiss me yet.

Day 20 Tuesday We’re seeing more normal sibling interactions. Normal wrestling, normal squabbling. We went to Chik-Fil-A and while we were in the playplace, we overheard Munchkin talking to a little boy, telling him about Mei-Mei with a very proprietary tone. “That’s our sister. Our Mama and Daddy went to China to go get her. Where did your parents get your sister?” The clearly non-plussed little boy said, “Uh, uh, I think my parents got her in my mama’s belly.” Mei-Mei took a nap in the afternoon and then did not go to sleep until after midnight.

Day 21 Wednesday No nap, just stayed on the bed with me. She has an amazing ability to self-entertain. She kissed me two times today and let me rub noses with her several times. Don’t know yet if the kisses are a today-only deal. She stole and wore my glasses several times and is completely delighted by it. Went to sleep about 8:20pm. 

Mei-Mei Log, Week 2

Mei-Mei is eating normally for a toddler, so I am no longer recording it. She generally eats well, but occasionally refuses to eat anything at all. 

Day 8 Thursday

Much high spirits, running around house. We went to get our Christmas tree today. We got in car, Mei-Mei was mostly quiet for first 30ish minutes, occasional comments. Then started getting a little upset. It was a long way to the tree farm and we had to double back to a gas station for cash. She was better after I held her for a bit in the gas station. She was interested in the tree farm. I had her on my back in the Tula. Eventually wanted to get down and run around, after about 35 minutes. When we were driving home, she was fine for the first 30ish minutes or so and then wanted 'Stache or me to hold her. Didn’t ever take a nap, mostly was able to be quiet on bed for a while. 'Stache had to go to Urgent Care after supper. The kids and I watched a Thomas and Friends video. While watching Thomas, she pushed buttons on the computer. I held her on my lap and she screamed for 15 minutes. Eventually calmed, watched the video a while, got sleepy. I took her to the bed, she cried for about 10 minutes. I held her and she went to sleep.

Day 9 Friday 'Stache has a pre-pneumonia infection in his lungs. He got antibiotics and a nebulizer, which seem to be helping. Mei-Mei went to sleep at about 9.

Day 10 Saturday The boys joined us at 5 am. ‘Stache sent them back to their beds at 5:30. We got up at 7:30.

Day 11 Sunday

Day 12 Monday The honeymoon seems to be over. Munchkin and Twinkle have only complaints about Mei-Mei. Twinkle asked when we were going to be taking Mei-Mei home. The fact that Mei-Mei doesn’t follow the rules really bothers Munchkin.

Day 13 Tuesday

Day 14 Wednesday A friend came over and we watched the kids together outside. Mei-Mei was rambunctious, happy. Not shy. Enjoyed pushing Twinkle on the swings. Munchkin was fragile, apt to fall apart whenever Mei-Mei did something he didn’t like. 

Mei-Mei Log, Week 1

I love reading adoption blogs. Such wonderful stories, great insights, helpful tips. But one blindspot seems to be the month after the child gets home. There's lots of posts leading up to the adoption, maybe a few posts in country and then everything goes dark for a month. This is understandable, for the same reason that bloggers don't tend to be really chatty in the first weeks post-partum: you're sleep-deprived and living in a whirlwind. Which I definitely am. But I thought a record of the transition from day 1 to day 30 might be helpful, so I am keeping a log. 

Warning: This is unlikely to be scintillating. 

Night 0 (10pm EST) 

My parents, brother and sister met us at the airport with Munchkin and Twinkle. Mei-Mei was stony-faced and clingy. When we put her in her carseat she cried for about 1 minute and then no more the rest of the way home. (15 minutes) Her first flicker of interest came at home when the boys brought out their new lightsabers. Her first smile was while hitting Grandpa with it. She was delighted by the cats and picked them up by their back ends. She petted them a few times, yanking her hand back when they made sudden movements, and hit at them a few times. 

She went to sleep at 2 am and slept until 11:30am. She went to sleep on 'Stache's chest.

Day 1

Things she ate today: 

Blueberry yogurt cup

3 bites dressing, 2 servings ham

Lots of small cups of tea

No dinner 

She goes back and forth between being hesitant and wanting to be held, and throwing herself into playing with the boys. Liked digging in dirt with shovels but was distressed by leaves, dirt on bare feet.She has a small cough. Shares food easily. Likes lightsabers. Likes her new tea set, copies Danny in taking tiny sips of tea with the little spoon. Talks about cats a lot. She hit them 2 or 3 times and was reprimanded. She seems much more willing to be held by me than when we were in China. Napped 3:30-7 in between 'Stache and I on our double bed. 

Night 1

Went to bed 11pm. Liked laying/sleeping on 'Stache’s chest but cried whenever he tried to roll her off. Wouldn’t sleep in the little bed at all. Cried and cried when we tried to make her. Slept in little bed with 'Stache for 1 hour, then woke up crying. Did this until 6 am, when we got up. Wouldn’t be held by me. 

Day 2 

Things she ate:

Blueberry yogurt

2 or 3 bites grilled cheese

Almost all of a 6 oz can of mushrooms, drained (she found this can and asked to eat it)

Tea with honey

Lots of frozen peas

Frequently wanting to be held. In the morning she wanted to go outside and see neighbor children but wanted me to hold her. Very interested in bikes, pushed/pulled on Munchkin’s tire to “assist” him. Slept 1pm-3pm. At end of day she went out with 'Stache and the boys to play with neighbors, was comfortable with a good bit of separation between her and Matthew. Much playing with trains and duplos.

Night 2

Went to sleep lying next to Matthew at 7:30, slept until 11:30. Very awake, didn’t want to go back down. At 1:30, gave her 1 tsp Benadryl in OJ. Slept 2am-8am.

Day 3 Saturday

Things she ate:

Vanilla yogurt

Peas (mostly dipped in ketchup)

½ egg cheese sandwich (dipped in ketchup)

Tea and animal crackers

No dinner

Played independently with boys with duplos in their room for a while. We all went to a nearby park. I carried her in my Tula carrier. She took our green plastic shovel with her. Had a glorious time with the boys at playground, shoveled bark and dirt, climbed the plastic “stone” pile, went down slides with boys over and over. Did not know how to use spines, just used stairs or stone pile to climb the play structure. Napped 3-5pm. Stayed with 'Stache while the boys and I went to grocery store. 'Stache said she walked around a bit looking anxious because she woke up and we were gone. Hugged Munchkin and Twinkle spontaneously when we got home.

Night 3

Slept 9pm to 4:30 am. Didn’t want to go back to sleep. Resisted until 6:45, when we got up.

Day 4 Sunday

Things she ate:

2 square waffles with syrup

3 boiled eggs without yokes

1 piece bread w/pumpkin butter

Brownie

Sm portion noodles

Lots of mischief and mayhem. I said "That is not a toy!" a lot today, about a bottle of bleach, an antique book, 'Stache's work phone and a table knife. Today was very stressful. The honeymoon is starting to wear off. It's hard to parent in language other than your own. She is big enough and active enough that you really have to watch her every minute. Constantly working defence. Slept 1:30-4.

Night 4

Slept 7:30pm-1:30am. Didn’t want to go back to sleep. Gave 1 tsp Benadryl in OJ. Slept 2:30-6:45.

Day 5 

Things she ate: 

Multigrain cheerios w/ milk

Yogurt

2 chik nuggets, sm waffle fries

Sm handful yogurt covered raisins

2 cheesy breads, 1 piece pizza

I took her to the doctor's office. She was fine in the car. Quiet/clingy in the dr’s office. Howled and struggled when she got shots. I took her to Walmart to get her a bike but she wasn't interested in one. She was very interested in the nerf guns, so we bought one of those. She took a 30 min nap in the car. She was in a good mood when we got back. Played outside with nerf guns. Extremely rambunctious after supper, chasing/being chased by the boys all around the house.

Night 5

Slept 8-1am. Cried for an hour. Slept 2-5:45. 

Day 6 Tuesday

Things she ate:

2 boiled egg whites and a few bites of bread

Home made mac and cheese

No dinner 

A friend of mine came over, 'Stache ran an errand while she was here. Mei-Mei spent most of the visit in my lap. 'Stache tried to get her to take nap on little bed, she cried/screamed for about 1 ½ hours. Eventually he persuaded her to lie down on her bed with her cheek in his palm for about 20 min. After that he let her climb into our bed and she slept by him until 6.

Night 6

'Stache was sick and couldn't have her go to sleep on his chest, so he slept on the couch. Mei-Mei cried like a lost soul for an hour. She wouldn't let me touch her. I gave her a tsp of Benedryl in orange juice and she gradually collapsed onto the bed and slept from 9:30-6am. 

Day 7 Wednesday

Things she ate:

A few bites of biscuits and gravy

1 lg biscuit w/ pumpkin butter

Tea with honey

Leftover mac and cheese

Sm portion rice and beans

Screamed when I tried to make her sit on my lap for story time. Eventually hung out nearby while I did “school” with the boys. I made birdseed ornaments with the boys and Mei-Mei stirred the mixture. 'Stache and I took turns trying to get her to go down for nap on little bed: nothing. Only crying or sitting and holding. Eventually just sat by herself on the little bed for a while. After naptime 'Stache and I had a council of war and decided that trying to make her sleep in the little bed was doing damage to the bonding process and that having more room in our bed would help her sleep through the night. We found a $190 king-sized mattress and boxspring and a local appliance store. Mei-Mei "helped me” and 'Stache move stuff out of our room and our new king mattresses in. Very enthusiastic about new mattress, jumped on it with boys. Addressed me as "Mama" for the first time. 

Night 7

After dinner I took Munchkin to Walmart to buy king-sized sheets, leaving Twinkle and Mei-Mei with 'Stache, who is still sick. Twinkle and Mei-Mei were bickering over poking the cell phone while watching a Thomas video. 'Stache gave her a half dose of Benadryl in OJ at 7:30, she went to sleep 7:45, slept soundly until 6. 

Baby Steps

We are now in Guangzhou, China. From now on, all the paperwork has to do with Mei-Mei’s visa to the US, and the consulate that handles this is in Guangzhou.

Flying here was, if not a piece of cake, much easier than anticipated. Mei-Mei and ‘Stache wandered through the airport while we were waiting for our plane (We had given ourselves LOTS of extra time to get there because it was another high pollution day and we didn’t want to be stuck in traffic and miss our flight.) and ‘Stache let Mei-Mei pick out a drink. I say “let” but really I should say “encouraged” because Mei-Mei did not seem to immediately grasp that she could choose. Although everything we’ve learned indicates that she was well-taken care of by well-meaning people, choices have probably not been a regular part of her life. However, she seems to have grasped the concept and nearly sweet-talked ‘Stache into buying her a $10 plastic helicopter. Which, given that they do not share a common language, is quite a feat.

Walnut milk makes everything more bearable.

She was very content on the airplane as long as she was on ‘Stache’s lap, which meant that take-off and landing were rocky, but everything in between was fine. Fortunately we had a bag of snacks that her nanny gave us, so we found interesting things to eat for the terrible times when she had to be in her own seat. She deigned to accept mini Oreos from my hand, but otherwise didn’t want me to feed, touch or comfort her, even a little bit.

Every so often, all through the day, she would get teary and reach up for a hug from ‘Stache. But mostly she seemed to be resigned, if not happy.

The next day, Wednesday, was better. After breakfast (juice and yogurt for her, big American breakfast for ‘Stache, part-American, part-Chinese for me), we went to the “Kiddie Land,” which is an outdoor courtyard for kids. It was absolutely the best decision we could have made. Our stoic, clingy little girl blossomed into the happy, exuberant child we had seen in pictures and videos. Mei-Mei ran round and round the playset, darting in out of the plastic doors and flinging Wawa (her doll) down the slides. She would climb onto the swing and let ‘Stache push her once and then jump off, giggling.

All of this, though, was strictly Daddy-oriented. If I got too close or tried to pick up Wawa or hold her hand, she would frown and fling her hand out of mine or demand her Wawa back.

But after she had played on the playset a while, we drifted over to the water feature. ‘Stache and Mei-Mei sat together on the wall and contemplated the water for a moment. Surreptitiously I yanked a handful of leaves off a nearby bush. I demonstrated how one could take a leaf and drop it into the water and offered her a leaf.

She threw the leaf into the water, found the experience to be delightful, and asked me for another leaf.

It was the first time she had willingly interacted with me since we drove away from the notary’s office. Naturally, I gave another leaf, and many after that. After a few minutes, we discovered that there were dry leaves under some nearby monkey grass, allowing us to stop pulling live leaves off the bushes, but ‘Stache and I agreed that even if we were forced to pay a “bush damage” fine, this beautiful little interaction between Mama and Mei-Mei would have been worth it.

Here she is telling me that she wants "Si!" [Four]

At lunch we saw even more of her personality come out. We had gone out searching for lunch and discovered what became out standard lunch place. Should you find yourself in want of lunch while at the Marriot in Guangzhou, turn right out of the front door and turn right at the corner. Continue on this walkway past the 7-11, past the large reddish Indian-esque statues, past the “Cheese Coffee” store, until you come to this sign:

We’d love to tell you the name of it but we've no idea. We just know that you can get 2 large bowls of noodle soup, 1 order of dumplings and 3 bottles of water for 45 RMB (about $6.70) We think it’s awesome and Mei-Mei would appear to agree.

At first she was happy just dipping her chopsticks in the sauce and licking them off ...

And then she started actually drinking from the plate!

This girl LOVES her soy sauce! 

We're Leaving for China on Wednesday

Wow
.
*Gulp*

Wow.

Wednesday. Wednesday. Wednesday!

We have been traveling/trudging/crawling down this path for so long. We used to have a card on the fridge saying "July 2010." My heart was bursting to adopt way before 'Stache and I even met the "length of marriage requirements." July 2010 was the earliest I figured we could start applying and meet the requirement by the time we were matched with a child, so having the card on the fridge was my little reminder. An encouragement that even though it seemed a long way off, that day was coming.

Well, God had different plans. He took us along a different road, to a life filled with two wonderful, rambunctious boys. But He planted that desire for adoption. He kept it alive through long years of waiting, piles of paperwork and fine print and now, in 5 days, we are getting on a plane and heading east. In 10 days, we'll meet our daughter for the first time.

Once upon a time, or rather on November 15th, 2015, after the boys went to bed, I was thinking about how discouraging the adoption process was. We had just been turned down for a referral the day before. We had been solidly turned down 3 times, and there had been several other referrals I had been hopeful about but they hadn't panned out. I told 'Stache that night, "If this is what the Hong Kong process is like, I don't know if I can do it." What other options did we have, though?

Then the thought struck: I had just turned 30. One of the China program's inflexible rules was that both parents must be at least 30. We hadn't met the requirements for the China program when we started the process, so I hadn't even considered it before now. But now I considered it, and on a whim, went and paged through the Waiting Child list for China.

Cute kids ... more cute kids ... Oh. It's you. 

Now I had been paging through these lists for months, trying to find the Hong Kongolese kids among the Chinese kids, and there had been lots of kids who caught my eye, tugged my heart, made me wonder how they'd fit in our life. But Mei-Mei wasn't like that at all. It was like I recognized her. My eyes were cruising along and then stumbled spectacularly because in a long list of maybes and definitely-nots and I-could-picture-hims and what-ifs, there she was. My daughter.

And on November 14th, 2016, I'm going to meet her.

Wow.

Eleventy-One Blessings

There is a wonderful tradition in northern China, where our daughter Mei-Mei lives. When a couple is expecting a baby, they invite their friends and relatives to contribute to a Bai Jia Bei quilt, or "One Hundred Good Wishes" quilt. Each contributor gives a piece of fabric, along with their good wishes for the baby. When assembled the quilt, containing all these good wishes, is considered a family heirloom and is passed down from generation to generation.

When I read about this I immediately knew I wanted to make one for Mei-Mei. Such a precious, tangible symbol of the love, care and prayers of the many, many people who are part of Mei-Mei's extended family.

I worried a bit over the desired 100 pieces. Did we even know that many people? Well, it turns out we did. We knew at least 111, in fact, because I had to make the quilt bigger than expected to contain the 111 pieces we received.

The Chinese characters mean "Beloved," or "Treasure." 

There are so many people who are a part of this quilt and a part of Mei-Mei's life. Taking these pictures, I was nearly brought to tears, thinking about the wonderful village of people that are going to surround this girl, this little girl who has been so alone in the world.

Thank you, all of you.

These pictures were taken at Treetop Hideaways, Chattanooga's only treehouse boutique hotel. To follow them on Facebook, go here. 

In case you're wondering, one box of these fruit treats is how this mama managed to get all these pictures without the pint-sized humans going stir crazy. One box of treats + one medium sized wilderness to explore = enough time to take lots of pictures! 

Randomly on Wednesday

1. I hate spring.

2. I really hate spring.

3. I've been laid up all day with allergies - when my allergies attack it is with the force of the flu, rather than the common cold. I essentially have to take a sick day from life, which with two little boys is exactly as easy as it sounds.

4. Domino's for lunch and Texas Move & Flip for the boys makes life much easier.

5. Shipt is coming to Chattanooga, and I'm very excited, but also conflicted. Excited: groceries delivered! This is magnificent. Conflicted: Is this too decadent? Is it ok to spend $$ on a luxury like this when you're asking people for $$ for your adoption?

6. (Even though we've raised all the money we anticipate we'll need for the adoption (Praise Jesus!), this question comes up a lot in my head.)

7. The adoption is at a standstill again. A while ago, we sent off for our Very Important Piece of Paper from Homeland Security (One of the DOZENS of pieces of paper that we have to collect that all say the same thing: These are nice people. It's ok if they adopt.), and last week we got a Request for More Evidence, asking that we have an updated Child Abuse Search. Our adoption worker gets Someone Official to run our names and fingerprints through the database again, to make sure we haven't been arrested for anything horrible since the last time we had our names and fingerprints run through the database.

8. This does make sense. I acknowledge that. However, couldn't Homeland Security have anticipated that since by definition when you are updating this VIPP there is a time gap between the present time and the last time you were fingerprinted, maybe they should ask for this updated search on the same form that you're filling out to request the VIPP be updated? Maybe that would save us all a little time?

9. This was supposed to be about a 48-hour turnaround. Someone Official runs the search, which they typically take 24 hours to do, and then we were going to pay to have it overnighted to Homeland Security. (Because they don't accept email, fax or smoke signal. Naturally.) It has taken over a week.

10. The only conclusion I can come to here is that God is deliberately slowing our adoption down. There have been so many things at this stage of the game that are totally out of our control that have just taken forever. Roadblocks thrown up where no roadblocks were anticipated. (Seriously, wassup with that, God?) This is maddening (Does no one UNDERSTAND that a CHILD is growing up without parents???) and discouraging.

11. The only thing that helps is remembering that last year, God held us in place, delaying and delaying and closing doors for almost a YEAR. And it turned out that the tightrope path we had walked through that ordeal was the ONLY path that could have led to us being matched with our Mei-Mei. Who is all kinds of sparkly awesomeness and who delights us from half-way around the world. Just because we see no plan and no point, does not mean that there is no plan and no point.

Happy Birthday to Mei-Mei

Dear Mei-Mei,

Happy birthday, sweetheart. You're turning three right now. It's 9:35 pm on April 30 here, which means that it's 9:35 am on May 1 in Z-- City, China. You've had breakfast probably, and what are you doing now? Are you playing? It's still cool right now in Z-- City, 68 degrees, but it's supposed to be warm later today. Maybe you'll get to play outside and soak up the sunshine after lunch. 

I hope you have people celebrating you today. I hope you've been talking for the past week about your birthday and the special things you get to do today. I hope your aunties smile at you and delight in your joy as you unwrap a present, or slurp your birthday noodles. I hope they see and celebrate your specialness because oh, Mei-Mei, you are so special! Your light and your joy shine out of your pictures, and you sparkle in the one little video that we have of you. Danny once sat and clicked "play again" 22 times on that video, watching it over and over, but I think I've watched it just as many times. You do such a happy little dance in that video, and I can't wait to dance with you. I think perhaps I should get some twirly skirts for the two of us. It seems like the little girl who danced in that video might like to twirl round and round 'til she fell down dizzy and laughing. 

I can't wait to hear you laugh. Better yet, to make you laugh. 

I love you so much, Mei-Mei. 

Happy birthday, 

Mama 

Randomly on Thursday

1. 'Stache's employer gave him his employer letter! (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

2. This is a crucial piece of our adoption paperwork that we having been waiting on for three weeks. When you start thinking about your little girl living in an orphanage three extra weeks just because of one piece of paper, it's a little crazy-making. But now we have it, which means that we can make progress with our Dossier.

2. I've discovered bullet journaling. Its early yet, but I think it might be a beautiful friendship. It's a very flexible system, which I find attractive. When I use regular planners, I use about 10% of it very intensely and 90% not at all. Some days I absolutely depend on it, but many days I don't even pick it up. The bullet journal allows for that kind of waffling. There's a good explanation of how it works here.

3. Teatime with boys continues well.

4. I've been watching a very wonderful program called The Great British Baking Show, which has been particularly inspiring for Teatime. This week I made a modified Victoria Sandwich, which is a classic British Cake.

5.

6. I did a half recipe of this recipe. A Victoria Sandwich is usually 2 layers with strawberry jam in the middle, topped with a sprinkling of powdered sugar. My version was one layer, topped with raspberry jam and Devonshire cream. It was a lovely combination, which Munchkin and I relished. Twinkle, inexplicably, prefers his cake without cream.

7. Next week, The Morning After, a compilation of musical and dramatic scenes, opens at Covenant College. It will run March 31-April 2. Using excerpts from many different plays, The Morning After explores themes of sexual brokenness and redemption. Very worth seeing! For more information, go here or email boxoffice@covenant.edu.

So. Much. Christmas.

Merry Christmas! 

It's been a pretty wonderful, pretty hectic Christmas over here.

Lots of presents.

This is the least blurry one.
They were pretty thrilled to be opening stockings.

SOCKS!

Toddler chopsticks

We give the kids a new ornament every Christmas. This year I had to make 3!

Opening books. The boys got Stone Soup, A Time to Keep,
How My Parents Learned to Eat and Lullabies and Goodnight

'Stache trying to instruct Munchkin in the ways of wearing all the clothes one gets at Christmas on one's head.

The bulldozers (pronounced "bu'dozer" or "bulldo'er") were a big hit.

We meant to set out their hobby horses so they'd see
them as soon as they came in the den, but we forgot, so
 the boys just opened them from the packing box.

Munchkin's new sweater

Lots of people we love.

Somehow this is the only picture of my brother this Christmas.

My brother-in-law has this face about 90% of the time
when he's with our family.

This is about as happy as the cousins picture got. Sigh.

Munchkin had had a long day, and decided maybe
a little catnap seemed like a good idea.

The cousins loved the tie-dye shirts the boys made them!

Soooo much family!

Lots of talking about Mei-Mei. (What I'm going to be calling our daughter on this blog. Mei-Mei is Chinese for Little Sister.)

No pictures of Mei-Mei.

Right now we're not allowed to post pictures of her online.

:-(

Lots of gingerbread-house-making.

Caroline was the director of the Forced Family Fun, a
gingerbread house contest. She was awesome. There was
even theme music.

It was lots of fun to design a gingerbread house
with 'Stache

Left to right, Most Eco-Friendly, Best Modern House, Best Traditional House

Lots of stuffed animals.

Only one Christmas Sweater.

Lots of food. (More about the food later!)

Christmas tree biscuits!

Lots of pregnancies.

Pregnancies? Yes. Pregnancies. I feel pretty confident we will not be spending another Christmas so closely connected to so many pregnancies. The odds are just too high. Of the four eligible (being both married and of childbearing years) women on my mother's side of the family, three were pregnant (counting 'Stache and I as being paper-pregnant). On 'Stache's mother's side of the family, 4 of the 5 (again counting 'Stache and I) were expecting a blessed event. The kicker? 4 of the 6 are due in July and 'Stache and I could quite reasonably be bringing home our own little blessed event in July also.

'Stache and I, 'Stache's cousin and his wife, 'Stache's sister (!!!) and husband, 'Stache's cousin and husband,
all with ornaments that 'Stache's aunt gave us.

Going to be a pretty incredible month, July.